By David Smith
Similar to War and Peace, Moby Dick, or To Kill a Mockingbird, when I first wrote this piece, several years ago, with the intent of helping new interviewees, I had no idea the impact that it would have on the world, nor did I realize that its contents would be proven to be absolutely timeless. While an addendum is certainly appropriate to address the nuances of remote interviewing, the original text will stand on its own, until I find such time in my busy schedule.
Summer is upon us, and as you all know, summer is one of the four best seasons in which to get a job, so I want to be a cool guy and help you all out with your interview skills, to help you ‘level up’ and ‘be all you can be’.
- Wear your finest suit to the interview, but under your suit, have a second set of more casual clothes on, like a polo and khaki shorts, in case you discover you are overdressed. Under your khaki shorts and polo, have another more casual set, like a t-shirt and a swim suit, or unitard, and then under that make sure you’re wearing your finest undies in case the job is ‘full casual’.
- Set your interviewer at ease by starting out with some small-talk. Ask them what their favorite anime or sports position is.
- It’s easy to find a list of interview questions on the Internet, so print out several of these on the backs of your resumes, so if you get stumped, you can just shuffle through your resumes and look important because you have so many, but secretly you’re looking at the answers.
- Let your potential employer know immediately that you’ll have no problems passing a drug screening. Insist on saving them money by not even having to submit to a drug test, because your honesty, and number of drugs not in your system are both so high. Employers love a straight-shooter.
- Also, feel free to write the answers on a small piece of paper, and then keep it just under the desk to look at when you’re stumped. If that fails, remember to ask to go to the bathroom as many times as you need to look up the answers on your phone.
- When you walk into an interview, if you have a bad feeling and think you might do a bad job, tell the interviewer a fake name, and also have a resume ready with the fake name too, so that if you do a bad job, they’ll never be able to trace it back to you.
- Give the shortest answers possible, such as ‘Yes’, ‘No’, ‘5’, or ‘eggs’. This lets the interviewer know that you are to the point, and also keeps them from finding out too much about your dark secrets.
- Remember that you’re interviewing them as much as they’re interviewing you. Feel free to let your interviewer know that they have failed to meet your expectations, and ask for a new interviewer if you feel you aren’t getting the highest quality interview.
- Demonstrate that you are motivated by taking a break during the interview to do a set of pushups or crunches. If your interviewer has any awards or heavy books lying around, you can put your feet on those to raise them, and increase the difficulty of the pushups for a better workout.
- You will ALWAYS be asked some standard questions, like “What is your greatest strength?” For this question, have a song queued up on your phone or boombox like “ALL I DO IS WIN WIN WIN NO MATTER WHAT” and just let that play to the chorus. When they ask what your greatest weakness is, reply with “Pssshhhh…” and just wait for the next question.
- Depending on the job, you may be asked to demonstrate your skills by solving a programming exercise, or making a sandwich. Remember: These exercises are often not to see if you succeed, but to understand how you approach a problem. Take the most convoluted approach possible in order to confuse your interviewer, and pocket whatever pens, computers, or cheeses you are able to, just in case the interview is a bust, so you don’t come out empty-handed.
- When you feel like the interview is over, stand up, shake your interviewer’s hand, and thank them for their time. This is a power move, and demonstrates that you are the one in control of the situation.
- In regard to following up after the interview, follow the same process you would when following up with a girl (or guy) you’re interested in dating who gave you their number. As soon as you get home, call them, but hang up if they answer. Cry. Call again, crying. They’re not going to hire you, but at least you can still hear their voice.
David Smith is a Software Engineer, a SuperModel, and a LinkedIn Rebel.